Solitude vs Loneliness.

Originally posted on nktjrj.wordpress.com

I identify my existence with one word: Introvert. Like all introverts, I hate crowds. I hate it when people try to shove gratuitous, and redundant relations down my throat. I tend to stay far from such people and if, by any chance, I am under a compulsion to make an acquaintance, I do it rather sheepishly and blandly. The absolute banalities of human lives don’t appeal to me and hence, I prefer solitude over company.

When I am alone, I feel like I am the only person on this planet. There are no rules, no preconceptions to bind me. There is only me in the world, and the world is nothing but my projection. You might call me delusional, maybe even a solipsist, but the truth is, I don’t understand the need of connections. I don’t understand the necessity of developing relations with other people. Can’t we survive on our own? In the end, aren’t we striving for us, and just us?

And yet, I feel like a hypocrite because I too have formed relations. I too have nourished myself with the warmth of others, and I too have provided my being to other beings. Quite honestly, I have liked the people with whom I have had relations. I have seen their souls, I have seen their true faces. I have liked the warmth and compassion on their faces and that is why, probably, that I have invested much into these faces.

I have loved solitude and I have embraced a few relations. Sounds about right. However, nothing lasts forever. I have lost these faces in the sandstorm of fleeting time and they now haunt me. They come to me in my dreams and whisper the sweet nothings that we used to say to each other and it makes me mad. At that moment, I miss them and I feel naked, naked in that terrible sandstorm, all alone, bereft of hope.

Yes, I love being alone. It is indeed true. What also is true that I hate being alone. Sounds like a dichotomy, the musings of a troubled madman. But they both are veritable facts, extracted from the deep conscience of my heart.

I can’t change myself. I will continue to love solitude and the hopelessness it brings. I can survive it. But loneliness? It is beyond my power to stop it. For all my love of introversion and solitude, desolation is a demon that mocks me and makes me vulnerable. I can’t stand it.

It is true that I will remain in solitude. It is also true that tonight, this loneliness stings. Alas, there are no faces tonight to save me from the storm. Alas, I am after all, alone.